Adult Children of Alcoholics ACOA – Bill of Rights

Today we are going to learn about the ACOA Bill of Rights and what that looks like for you.

You may not know this, but you have rights. It may not have felt like you had many in the past but you always had them.

You just didn't know it.

The following ACOA Bill of Rights originated from here and I've adapted them a little for us. We already know about 'Black Lives Matter', the 'Me Too Movement' and LGBTQI rights.

Now, let's learn about the ACOA Bill of Rights.

Your right to have fun

First up in the ACOA Bill of Rights is that you are allowed to have fun and relax. Whatever that looks like for you. You are an adult now.

Also, if something is freaking you out you can say 'no thanks'.

It helps to say these out loud to yourself.

1. I have a right to all those good times that I have longed for all these years and didn’t get.

2. I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now — not just a momentary rush of euphoria but something more substantive.

3. I have a right to relax and have fun in a nonalcoholic and nondestructive way.

4. I also have a right to actively pursue people, places, and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.

5. I have the right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.

Your right to speak up

The second group in the ACOA Bill of Rights is about speaking up.

When we were growing up there was no-one to protect us and show us the way to become a whole, loving adult.

We had to bring ourselves up.

And because no-one protected us or spoke up for us, we learned to keep quiet.

To stay out of trouble.

But this means that we ended up doing things we didn't really want to do because one of the dysfunctional family rules is 'don't speak'.

We also learned pretty quickly that if you say no, people will abandon you.

The good news is the ACOA Bill of Rights means, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do...

6. I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive “crazy-making” behaviour of parents, of siblings, and of others.

7. I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.

8. I have a right to change my tune, my strategy, and my funny equations.

9. I have a right to “mess up”; to make mistakes, to “blow it”, to disappoint myself, and to fall short of the mark.

10. I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic parent, my nonalcoholic parent, or any other member of my family.

11. Lastly I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.

ACOA have a right to all their feelings

Thirdly and importantly in the ACOA Bill of Rights, it's ok for you to have feelings and it's ok to express them.

When you were growing up, feelings were not ok - it's one of the dysfunctional family rules

Except for anger, that was ok. But other feelings were definitely not ok, showing feelings meant weakness.

However, this just isn't healthy or even true.

We can't help having feelings, we are made of feelings and if you squash them, then they will leak out.

So, the ACOA Bill of Rights tells us the good news that...

12. I have a right to all my feelings.

13. I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgment, my hunches, my intuition.

14. I have a right to develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically.

15. I have a right to express all my feelings in a nondestructive way and at a safe time and place.

16. Lastly, I have a right to as much time as I need to experiment with this new information and these new ideas and to initiate changes in my life.

ACOA right to life

Finally, you don't have to follow the family legacy, you can start afresh.

17. I have a right to sort out the bill of goods my parents sold me — to take the acceptable and dump the unacceptable.

18. I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my parents’ prescribed philosophy of life.

19. I have a right to carve out my place in this world.

20. I have a right to follow any of the above rights, to live my life the way I want to, and not wait until my alcoholic parent gets well, gets happy, seeks help, or admits there is a problem

You don't have to wait, you can start today. Using all these rights whenever you want to. You don't need permission to start living a whole happy healthy life.