What are codependence patterns?

Today we are examining the Codependent Compliance Patterns. To know more about the other types of codependent patterns click here.

Sam was continually being passed over for promotions because she was too nice. Sam hated confrontation, would do anything to avoid making people unhappy with her. She would find herself agreeing with things she didn't really agree with to keep the peace. Her wife was pressuring her to do better at work. But she felt she wasn't strong enough to be a leader.

Being nice to people isn't a problem in itself. The real problem is what is driving the need to be nice all the time.

In Sam's case, it was the need to stay safe and not be rejected. By anyone.

What is driving your need to be nice and compliant all the time?

Is it safety? Or the need to be accepted by everyone?

Do any of these statements ring true for you? They have come from Codependants Anonymous who have kindly given me permission to use them.

• I am extremely loyal and I stay in harmful situations too long.

• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.

• I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.

• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.

• I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

• I accept sexual attention when I want love.

• I make decisions without regard to the consequences.

• I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Sam's problems came to a head when her wife pressured her to come and see me. Sam was only coming to keep the peace. She loved her wife and didn't want her to leave. Her last two relationships had ended with the other cheating on her. That was way too painful and Sam didn't want it to happen again.

I totally got where she was coming from. In fact, I know all about being compliant. I found myself one day with a group of women, verbally ripping another woman to shreds just to fit in. She didn't deserve that and I felt bad about it but I needed to fit in.

Superficial Relationships

The biggest problem with compliance is not only that people walk all over you because you won't say no.

It's not even that you say yes when you want to say no so don't honour or even know yourself.

Or that people get impatient with you because you dither around.

The biggest problem with compliance is that people can't trust you. Once they figure out that you don't say what you mean, they feel betrayed. They can't get close to you because you hide from them.

You are alone. Always. You hide even from yourself. Your relationships are superficial, with not much substance. Your relationship with yourself is even worse.

Picture yourself alone in the dark, scared. Who is going to comfort you, give you strength? No-one.

We can change that though.

We can use the magic of concretisation to show us how to support ourselves. We can make things real and concrete. Not just abstract ideas or feelings. Once we do that and realise we are not alone in this world we can have the courage to make decisions.

We can have the courage to say NO when we want to.

You can have the courage to put your own needs and interests first. Without feeling selfish and like a jerk.

You have rights, you are a person too.

How to be more assertive

There are three steps to this magic.

Firstly, we are going to remember a time when we gave in to someone else when we knew we shouldn't have. More than just remember it, we are going to be totally immersed in it. We are going there.

Secondly, we are going to bring in a strong decisive person to help strengthen us.

Finally, we are going to channel that strong person to have a different end to the situation.

Ready? Let's go.

Go and get at least three little objects. Toys, paperclips, coasters, jewellery, tools or whatever you can get your hands on.

Using your objects, lay a scene where this happened out on the floor, or the table or whatever. One of the objects is you and another one is the other person that is also in the scene. I'll tell you what to do with the last one shortly.

Scene One

Act out the scene. Get into it, go nuts, really live it. Make sure you are both people. Ham it up. Take as long as you need to.

For example, my scene was when I was in the group of women verbally tearing someone else to shreds. So my objects represent me and the group. I'm cringing as I write this, I was such a bitch about her.

A word of warning. This is powerful stuff and be aware if you need to stop and take a breather. It's ok if you have to stop, you haven't failed, you can try again another day. Or with someone to be there with you.

Scene Two

The strong decisive you or the person you admire now comes on the scene.

Start Scene One again and this time when you get to the part where you need help - the other person will help you. Add them to the scene. The strong person is either standing in front of you or beside you or wherever you feel they can strengthen you from.

The strong person will then talk directly to you and say something to let you know that you've got this. You can have a little chat and tell them why you can't say no or yes or whatever the problem is. They will tell you what you need.

Back to my example. My strong person is Brene Brown. She is a great example of a strong woman to me. I told her that I couldn't walk away from the group because I need them to love me. Then she told me of all the reasons I was loveable and I didn't need their validation. One by one she dealt with all my objections as only she can until I felt strong enough to walk away.

Scene Three

Go back to Scene One. This time enact it including the words that your strong person said to you. Take your time with it, using the new knowledge you have about yourself. Then, express yourself fully to the main person in the situation (in my case, the group) using whatever you need to - words, actions, write, draw, dance or whatever. Also, have the situation talk to you too and reply from your position of strength.

Moving Forward

You might have to do this more than once. That’s ok. It took a long time to learn this distorted behaviour. It’s normal to take a bit of time to learn new healthy behaviours.

When you get into a situation that feels similar to this one all you have to do is channel your strong person. Think to yourself "What would ..... do?" In my case, having Brene Brown's approval made all the difference. I wouldn't say I am perfect at meeting my own needs, but I am definitely getting better.

If you need to you can carry around the small object that represented them so you can have something concrete to remind you.

Be kind to yourself. This is new, this finding out who you are. It will take time. We have time.

This is the start of the magical path, you are conjuring up new roles for yourself. Go you!

Let me know in the comments what roles you are going to strengthen.