Can a controlling person change?

Today we are examining the Control Compliance Patterns. To know more about the other types of codependent patterns click here.

Ashley had her life sorted. She lived by lists and had a very strict code of ethics. She made sure everything that needed to be done, got done. In other words, it was her way or the highway.

She had no tolerance for those who could not do what she wanted when she wanted it.

Unfortunately for Ashley, her daughter was at the age where she was starting to have a mind of her own. All of a sudden she was ignoring all the advice and direction and help Ashley was giving her. Ashley was beside herself. Because her best-laid plans were going horribly wrong.

Remember what she said to me?

"She used to be such a good girl and now she's ruining her life! She won't even listen to me any more. Her grades have slipped, she's not interested in sport and now she's taken up with a loser that I despise. I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything I can think of. Help me".

Ashley is learning the hard way that people do not often react well to being controlled. Eventually, they will 'rebel' or shut down.

Are you feeling uncomfortable right about now, reflecting on how much you control yourself and others?

It's important to realise that if things at home are or were out of control it's natural to try to counter that with keeping things in line.

Ashley's motives are pure, she wants her daughter to have a better life than she did with a Dad who gambled and often lost everything.

Codependent Controlling Patterns

If you have consistently done these following behaviours or said these things to yourself, you could be showing a codependent pattern of control.

• I believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

• I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.

• I freely offer advice and direction without being asked.

• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.

• I lavish gifts and favours on those I want to influence.

• I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.

• I have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.

• I demand that my needs be met by others.

• I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.

• I use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.

• I refuse to cooperate, compromise or negotiate.

• I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.

• I use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behaviour of others.

• I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

This list is confronting isn't it?

Up until now, you have learned manipulative and controlling behaviour to stay safe in your life. But it doesn't have to stay that way.

The Three C's

The counterspell to controlling everything and everyone is to evoke the Three C's. These come from Psychology Today and I've tweaked them a little.

Compassion, courage and community.

Firstly, if we think about people who are controlling for a minute we will quickly realise that they are filled with fear and anxiety. That doesn't make it any easier to resist controlling behaviours gracefully, but it does help us to understand what is behind it. You can have compassion on them and yourself.

The first baby step is to really grasp that you don't have to be responsible for everyone and everything in your life. That is a burden way too big for just one person.

You have the right to your own life.

We can use a three-step process for having compassion on ourselves.

Firstly, just stop for a minute and write down everything you are responsible for. Don't stop until you can't think of anything else. Then add another couple.

Secondly, write down for each one, the worst thing that would happen if you stopped being responsible for it.

Last, write the best thing that would happen.

Now, look at this list, really take it in. How can one person possibly be responsible for all that? And still be sane? Be kind to yourself, have compassion for the little one who learned early on that life was out of control. So learned to try to control everything they possibly could.

Courage to let go

If you are in a relationship where you are responsible for someone else (who is not a child), you may need to summon all your courage to stop and let go.

They might fall apart. Or you might see that they are capable of living their own lives after all. In fact, you were actually stopping them from growing. Worse than that, you were stopping yourself from growing.

Think of a time when you were really brave. Let's call the person at that time Brave Warrior. Go and get something physical to remind yourself of that Brave Warrior. It might be a piece of jewellery, a toy or anything that is small and portable.

Look at it and remember when you were the Brave Warrior. Remember everything about it - who was there, what happened, where you were, how you felt, what you were wearing, what time of day it was. Make the picture in your head as full as you can. You are going to carry around the Brave Warrior to remind you that you are brave and you can let things happen, you don't have to control everything.

Now - and this is the crucial part - next time you feel like controlling something or someone when you don't really have to, pick up the Brave Warrior and look at it. And just don't control the situation, person or whatever. Turn and walk away or bite your tongue or don't text back.

Now feel the compassion for the one who has to control everything.

Then feel the relief at not having to be responsible for everyone's life. Breathe that in, you aren't responsible. Thank goodness.

Community

No person can be solely responsible for the world. We are social creatures and work best when we work together. You can’t build much with one piece of lego.

You may need to become vulnerable about what happens for you when you get anxious or scared. Talk with a trusted friend, a therapist or attend a 12 step CodA meeting to get to know others who feel the same way as you.

It's so liberating to know you aren't the only one who feels this way. A major factor of addiction is isolation so be the Brave Warrior and find someone to share the burden.

When we all work together we build something beautiful that lasts. We can all be proud of it.

I believe that people can change from being controlling. I know I did. How about you let me know in the comments one thing you plan to give up controlling.