What are examples of personal boundaries?

Boundaries are for our care and protection, they are there to keep us safe. That’s pretty obvious if you think about walls and fences, or skin. If we had no skin…

There are five main areas in which we can build healthy boundaries or rules or limits.  Some of them are obvious but some are more subtle. 

They can be physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. There is so much written about boundaries I won't go into them here except to give examples that may be familiar from our families.

• Physical - a drunken 'uncle' lurching in for a hug

• Sexual - a relative making lewd remarks about your growing body

• Intellectual - "we don't think like that in this family"

• Spiritual - forced to go to church

• Emotional - "stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

Boundaries Protect You

Boundaries are like the police of our souls

All boundaries are only there for your protection. 

They are definitely not about controlling others.

But you may not know what your boundaries are or even be proud of not having any. Conversely, they may be so rigid that others can’t get to know you.

However, you only need to change the boundary, or grow or lose one if what you are doing is not working anymore. Sounds simple right? More on that later.

We learn boundaries in two ways. Firstly, we learn by seeing others having them, and secondly, by having authority figures validate our own.

So, if your boundaries weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them.

Conversely, if your home life was chaotic, you didn’t have any role models to teach you.

It's common for homes with addiction that members of the family become enmeshed or feel each other’s’ feelings.  There is no separation between each other. We are merged into one person.

This is subtle and takes time and eventually becomes a way of life which is very hard to break from. Even now, when I feel like my partner is ‘pulling away’ from me I can panic.

It’s not too late though, you can put a boundary in place at any time.

My partner has very healthy boundaries. I am learning from her that it’s good to have them. Even though I don’t like them sometimes, she gives me the courage to say no when I need to.  

Weak, rigid or healthy?

There are three categories of boundaries. They are either weak, rigid or healthy. 

Weak or rigid boundaries are harmful to your self. They cause you to act in ways that are not in your own best interests because you need to look after everyone else. To stay safe.

Then there are some ways that they can be weak.  Have you ever

• Fallen in love with anyone who reaches out

• Or been sexual solely to meet someone else’s needs

• Disregarded personal values to please someone

• Failed to stop others from violating your boundaries

• Trusted anyone that you shouldn't have

Conversely, boundaries can be rigid. If you have ever done the following consistently you could have rigid boundaries.

• Trusted no one. Ever.

• Shown black and white thinking

• Compartmentalized life (my personal favourite)

• Refused to yield or compromise

• Faked emotions

Since you are in charge of your own boundaries you may have been weakening them without realizing it by

• Smiling at a joke that offends you

• Agreeing with someone else’s opinion to belong to their group

• Concealing your true feelings (my personal go-to)

• Working too hard

• Avoiding people who truly care for you

• Spending too much or too little alone time

• Using chemicals to avoid yourself

• Using compulsions to avoid yourself

Healthy Boundaries

Now, after reading this you may be thinking that you are a complete mess.

Take heart, you are where you are because you needed to stay safe.

But this old way of thinking and being doesn't need to hold you back any more. So today we are aiming for growing healthy boundaries/rules/limits.

The good news is that boundaries and rights go together like peanut butter and jelly. So, as you grow to believe that you do have rights (check out this blog) it will be easier to set boundaries.

You need the free worksheet to help you work this out - so download it now, it's a blueprint to help you set the boundaries you need for a happy life. Just scroll to the bottom of this page, fill in the form and you will have access to the free worksheet, as well as all the other goodies that will keep coming your way.

We are going to use these rights to set some boundaries, but before we get to the worksheet, we are going to discuss the difference between a boundary and a threat. It’s a subtle difference but once you get it it will make a difference. 

A boundary is about keeping myself safe and a threat is more about controlling the other person. 

Boundaries are an expression of my rights. Boundaries have consequences and need to be followed through.

A boundary sounds like “Please don’t take my clothes without asking first, otherwise I will have to lock them away. You can always ask me first and I’ll let you know.” A threat sounds like “Stop taking my clothes without asking! I’m sick of being disrespected in this house, I don’t know why I stay here. If you do it again I’ll be really angry!” Threats are about power, about forcing compliance. 

Boundaries are all about me and my rights, threats are all about you and how you impact on me.  

We are now going to use the worksheet to set some boundaries. Think about a situation with others where these rights in relationships apply. Write down how you feel and how you currently handle these situations. How often do you say “yes” when you’d like to say “no”? 

Write down what you would like to happen in these situations instead. List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting these rights? Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example, “Please don’t criticise (or call) me (or borrow my . . .), if it happens again I will need to…”. 

You may need to practise this, but please ensure you practise with a safe person.  You could do a role play together if that helps. Stay firm, there will probably be pushback.  The other person isn’t used to you setting boundaries and you will need to follow through the first time or two. For now, write out what you want to say to set those boundaries and say it out loud. Put it in email format, or text format; whatever it takes to reinforce to yourself that you are important. You have rights and you can say no if you don’t want to do something.  

Oh and those 7 little words? "I need you to stop this now."

Let me know in the comments one boundary you need in your life today and don’t forget to fill in the form to get the free worksheet as well as all the other goodies.