Family Hero
The good child to the rescue again
All people in any group have a certain role to make the group function better. There will be the organiser, the clown, the 'mum' or the rebel. Surprisingly, the family is no different. Everyone has their place. In a family with no addiction, children are free to change the role if it's not working for them. So, a clown may suddenly work hard or a good child (the family hero) may become hard to manage.
In a family with addiction, however, children are not free to change the roles they take on. There is immense pressure to keep the status quo. Whenever one person changes, the whole family will have to change and there is no room for this as the addiction needs to be kept safe.
If you would like to know more about dysfunctional family roles, click here and then come back and learn more about yourself.
It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's the family hero!
If you are a family hero you look after everyone. It's your job to make things better for everyone. Every. Single. One. So you became the perfect child in the family and you make it look like there's no addiction or dysfunction. You got good grades. You played a sport well. As a child, you were responsible, hard-working and dependable.
As a result, you don't seem to bear any scars from your upbringing at all. You work hard, you have a nice home and a family of your own. Being laser-focused and successful, you are a leader and loyal to the last drop. You are a survivor and you are powerful and organised. Others look up to you. You kept the family going. In a word, you are a Hero.
At home and work, you call the shots. Because you know how to look after everyone and Get Things Done. Heroes are often professionals, doctors or leaders in business. There is calm confidence about you that says "I know what to do, just listen to me and we'll be ok". Money is managed well and there are high expectations of everyone.
No surprises thank you
Because homelife was often out of control, you developed a way of dealing with it. You tried to control everything so there are no surprises. The Hero is all about control. Therefore, emotions are your Achilles heel.
They baffle you as you cannot control them. People are confusing too - you can't control them either. You can be inflexible and have unreasonable expectations because of your fear of failure.
For the same reason, you fear intimacy. Being overly driven, you are unable to play and have unreasonable expectations.
A fierce need for approval drives Heroes. You hide your deep feelings of inadequacy well. You feel that nothing you ever do is good enough. However, underneath the veneer of control and success, you are full of loneliness, shame, inadequacy, guilt, anger, confusion, and hurt.
During childhood and adolescence, you became a high achiever but low feeler. An overdeveloped focus on performance costs you your focus on emotion. You are a perfectionist with an all or nothing approach to projects.
It is imperative to always do the right thing. You are perceptive, helpful and independent.
The hard work of being a Hero
As adults, Heroes take on even more leadership roles. However, you tie your self-worth to your accomplishments. You may be a Type-A person and suffer from stress-related disorders. Your expectations of yourself and others are unrealistic and you tend towards workaholism and burnout. Yet others’ approval motivates your every action so you are trapped in the cycle of working harder and harder.
You are never wrong, you cannot be. Being wrong is a luxury for others, not you. You may be too serious and rigid to enjoy yourself or let others enjoy themselves.
Later in life, you may develop a chemical dependency. You may even have a tendency toward attempted suicide or actual suicide.
It becomes all too hard.
Heroes have needs too
If you are a Family Hero, you have to realise that you have needs too. Pick one statement from this list and say it to yourself in the mirror. This is a four-step process: When the objections come, say them out loud and say "yes and "...
"I can chill out"
Straightaway, here is the objection in your mind from your inner critic - "no you can't - what about your to-do list?"
You then counter it out loud with "Yes and I can chill out, I can prioritise my list and do the urgent ones"
Repeat until the voices in your head stop talking.
If this sounds unworkable, take note that this role is very strong in you and it's ok to take it slowly. Just do it anyway, even if you feel like you are faking it.
I can chill out
It’s ok to make mistakes
Everyone makes mistakes
I have choices
Taking risks is something that I can do
I can play and relax
I can be vulnerable and accept myself
Expressing my feelings is life-giving
I can listen to others and trust them
It's ok if others succeed and I can take satisfaction in their achievements
I am responsible for having my own needs
I cannot meet everyone's needs
Life is not so serious, I can learn to play and not take myself and others so seriously
I can give up the compulsion to be perfect
Approval from authority figures is something I can live without
I am ok because of who I am, not what I do
Let me know in the comments how you are going to stop one hero behaviour today.