Low self-esteem
You will need: a pen and paper, highlighters or coloured pens, three teeny-weeny things so you can act out some stuff. They can be whatever you want, toys, paperclips, makeup, rocks, muffins or whatever. As long as there are three of them.
This will take about 15 minutes.
What are the signs of low self esteem?
Today we are examining the Codependent Low Self Esteem Patterns. To know more about the other types of codependent patterns click here.
Jessica had to look after her friend and put her first. Always. Even when it was inconvenient. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to look after your friends. It’s also good for your kids to see you looking after your friends, how else are they going to learn what a good friend is?
It only becomes a problem when the behaviour becomes distorted or exaggerated. Like when Jessica had to take her friend and her kids in. Again. Because she had left her husband. Again. It was late at night, they had obviously been fighting in front of the kids as they were all upset. Jessica even woke her own kids up to rearrange the beds so that her friend’s kids had somewhere to sleep.
There were no boundaries, Jessica would do anything for anyone, whenever they wanted her to. She was on all the committees, gave her kids whatever they wanted. As well as all of that, she spent a lot of time doing things for other people. Why would she do that?
The behaviour becomes distorted or exaggerated because of what drives it. What is driving Jessica? Her need to value her friend’s approval was stronger than her need to look after herself and her family. Behind this is Jessica’s fear of abandonment.
So, does this sound familiar to you? Maybe not the behaviour, you might think to yourself “Well I would never wake up my kids in the middle of the night and expect them to give up their beds to someone else!” But, is what drives Jessica the same as what drives you? The never-ending relentless need for approval and fear of being left?
The List
There are lists of low self-esteem behaviours and so many blogs about it. It has become something of a catchphrase for anyone feeling a little bad about themselves. Now, I’m not going to diagnose you as having low-self esteem and say to you “do something about it!”
What I am going to do though, is to show you a list of distorted behaviours that are common to those raised by addicts or alcoholics. This list comes from Codependents Anonymous and they’ve kindly given me permission to use it. You may recognise yourself in the list. Remember that these behaviours are only a problem because of what drives them.
I have difficulty making decisions
I judge what I think, say or do harshly. It’s never good enough
I’m embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own
I do not perceive myself as loveable or a worthwhile person
I seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less-than
I have difficulty admitting a mistake
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good
I am unable to identify or ask for what I need and want
I perceive myself as superior to others
I look to others to provide my sense of safety
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects
I have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries
Now what?
Ok, so you've identified that you could be codependent and using some of these low self-esteem behaviours to get through the day.
Now, what do we do with that information?
Hmmm, that's a tricky question. It's no good saying snap out of it. Or start seeing yourself differently. There are lists and lists of things you SHOULD do which makes life even worse.
Because now you're failing at that as well!
If you didn’t get them earlier, go and get a pen and paper and some highlighters if you wish - or you can use the worksheet here. Write the list out one at a time and rank each one 1-5 with 1 being “I don't do this much” and 5 being “I do this all the time and it's a problem”.
Now, it gets interesting.
Highlight all the 1s in one colour, all the 2s in another colour, etc. You should now have a beautiful rainbow of linked behaviours. Can you see if any of them go together? Like 1 and 12 for example. If you have trouble making decisions, you will possibly have trouble getting started on things.
Now you should have little clusters of behaviours that if you change one thing will change the others also. If you could name yourself when you are acting from that cluster what would it be? Indecisive ditherer? Scared placater? Silent sufferer? Go ahead and name them. In fact, now is the time to be creative, call them after your favourite movie roles or characters from books that you know. We know these roles intimately because we live them. Every. Single. Day.
Remembering that these are behaviours, they are not who you are. Every person is capable of any behaviour at any time. You have learned how to survive in your family by doing these behaviours. But it's not working any longer and now is the time to change.
Remembering also, that we are reactors and not actors. We want to claim back our ability to act and not react. To take charge of our own lives.
The Magical Path of ACOA Recovery
How to deal with the behaviour groups
So, now you have a few behaviour names that sum up your most predominant behaviours. What do you do now? Now is the fun part.
Every person, yes even you, has the potential to perform all roles. We've established that already. So that means you aren't stuck in the roles you know so well. You can utilise other roles that are within you. They may be weak from not being used much, but they are definitely there. Or you can grow new ones. It's an endless possibility.
Now, close your eyes and think of a time when you were self-assured. When you knew what to do and did it without even thinking. Or if you can't think of one, think of a person you admire. Write it down.
"I was confident when....”
Or "When .......... did that thing with those people, she was so confident".
Really relive it. Write it in detail. Be there.
Now think about your 1-5 groups and pick the one that is the most problematic. Using your teeny-weeny objects, lay a scene where this happened out on the floor, or the table or whatever. One of the objects is you and another one is the other person that is also in the scene. Or if there isn't another person then the object represents the problem. I'll tell you what to do with the third one shortly.
Scene One
Act out the scene. Get into it, go nuts, really live it. Make sure you are both people if there are two people. Ham it up. Take as long as you need to.
For example, my scene was when I couldn't decide between two pairs of shoes. I know it's trivial, but it sums up my indecisiveness at times. So my objects represent me and the shoes.
A word of warning. This is powerful stuff and be aware if you need to stop and take a breather. It's ok if you have to stop, you haven't failed, you can try again another day. Or with someone to be there with you.
Scene Two
The strong decisive you or the person you admire now comes on the scene.
Start Scene One again and this time when you get to the part where you need help - the other person will help you. There should now be three of you on the scene. And the strong person is either standing in front of you or beside you or wherever you feel they can strengthen you from.
The strong person will then talk directly to you and say something to let you know that you've got this. You can have a little chat and tell them why you can't make a decision and they will tell you what you need.
Back to my example. My strong person was Princess Kate. She is a great example of a strong woman to me. After I told her that I couldn't make a decision about the shoes because I needed all the shoes! I wasn't sure about my appearance and the shoes would make me look good. She reminded me about all the good things about my personality and how I'm good at connecting with people, so it doesn't really matter what shoes I'm wearing. One by one, she dealt with all my reasons for dithering with love and kindness until I felt ok about myself.
Scene Three
Go back to Scene One. This time enact it including the words that your strong person said to you. Take your time with it, using the new knowledge you have about yourself. Then, express yourself fully to the situation using whatever you need to - words, actions, write, draw, dance or whatever. Also, have the situation talk to you too and reply from your position of strength.
Moving Forward
You might have to do this more than once. But when you get into a situation that feels similar to this one all you have to do is channel your strong person. Think to yourself "What would ..... do?" In my case, having Princess Kate's approval made all the difference. I wouldn't say I am perfect at making decisions, but I am definitely getting better.
This is the start of the magical path, you are conjuring up new roles for yourself. Go you!
Let me know in the comments who your strong person is.