Codependency Denial Patterns
What does it mean to be in denial?
Today we are examining the Denial Compliance Patterns. To know more about the other types of codependent patterns click here.
Michael had a big, big problem. He was overcome with love for someone that wasn’t available. He wouldn't accept that she was happily married. All the signs were there, she ate lunch often with her husband and they definitely looked happy. Michael wasn't in her department so he couldn't check out the truth but it didn't matter to him. He was convinced that she felt the same way. He could see them sitting in the rosy glow of the sunset on a beautiful beach forever in love.
This is a pattern for Michael and causes a load of heartache and rejection. He seems to bounce back each time though and I wonder often what is really going on for him. It is hard to tell because he genuinely does not know how he feels. Sometimes he is in love, usually with someone who does not love him back and this time she is the one. He seems to have only two expressions of emotion - anger and laughter.
Michael had a terrible upbringing with both parents as alcoholics and he and his three siblings had to fend for themselves. His eldest sister did a lot of the parenting and she did her best. Whenever we get close to talking about this he changes the subject and says it was no big deal.
Why would Michael seem so one dimensional? Remembering that the behaviour of a codependent in denial becomes distorted or exaggerated because of the crippling fear that drives it. The fear of feelings, the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of rejection.
Does Michael seem familiar to you? Maybe you don't fall in love with everyone you meet, but do you have trouble identifying your feelings? Is it easier not to feel? Or is isolation comfortable for you? Too comfortable?
The Counterspell
What is the counterspell to the denial patterns of codependence? I'm not going to tell you to get out there and start acting out all the feels. To begin with, you may not even know what you should be feeling at any given time. Or even what your own favourite colour is.
Don’t forget that we have learned to squash ourselves because we have relied on the addict for so long that we have become part of them and lost ourselves.
What I am going to do though, is to show you a list of distorted behaviours that are common to those raised by addicts or alcoholics. This list has come from Codependents Anonymous who kindly gave me permission to use it. You may recognise yourself in the list. Remember that these behaviours are only a problem if they are your first instinct.
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimise, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I think I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask pain in various ways such as anger, humour, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognise the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.
Ok, so you've identified that you could be codependent and using some of these denial behaviours to get through the day. We want to get from denial to permission. Feelings are there but we can’t show them. We know deep down that we aren’t the greatest but can’t give ourselves permission to fail. We are attracted to people that we can’t have relationships with because they are safe and won’t ask anything of us.
What is the opposite of losing yourself?
Finding yourself.
Now is the time to ask yourself some questions - interview yourself as though you don’t know who you are. This is the magical counter spell of independence. We want to break free of the codependent behaviours that we have learned so well. We want to recognise that we have permission to be ourselves.
First though, we have to know ourselves.
Use the worksheet or get your journal and answer the following questions.
Researching yourself will give you an insight into your own life. Cherished hopes and dreams and also disappointments and fears. Don't worry too much if you can't answer every question but try your hardest.
Of course, these questions are just starters, I'm sure you can think of many more.
Firstly, what was it like for your parents?
Did they move around a lot?
Were times hard?
Were they immigrants?
Or refugees?
Were they a close family?
Were there lots of children?
What was life for Mama like when you were conceived and born?
Where do you fit in the family?
Did Mama have to give up work or leave school?
Were your parents married or in a relationship?
Were you an easy birth?
What was the health system like?
What was the parenting flavour of the times?
We are now thinking about what things were like when you were growing up.
What was the political climate like?
What was the health system and education system like?
Did you live rural or urban? Why?
Did Mama work outside the home? Why?
What was it like for women at the time?
Did Dad have much to do with parenting?
This is where it gets interesting...
what do you like?
What do you dislike?
What is your favourite (anything) and why?
Do you try to avoid anything? Why?
What is your favourite way of passing the time and why?
How do you feel about travel? Anywhere you would particularly like to go? Why?
What are your expectations of yourself and why?
Are you generally happy? Why or why not?
Remember we are not analysing ourselves, we are getting to know ourselves
Two surprising things about me:
Finally, how has this changed the way I feel about myself?
You can be you
Now that you know yourself a little better, you can give yourself permission to be yourself. With this in mind, remember - you don’t have to just be a support act any longer, you can be the main event in your own life. You have rights too. You are a person. Just like everyone else.
This is the start of the magical path, you are becoming more visible. Go you!
Let me know in the comments one surprising thing you learned about yourself today.