How can I trust you?
Trust yourself, trust others and trust the future.
I learned early on that I cannot trust anyone.
Not even myself. Especially not myself.
The ‘don’t trust’ rule is a catchall rule that also includes other unspoken rules.
“Don’t make friends outside the family”.
“Nothing is wrong, everything is fine”.
“Do as I say, not as I do”.
“You must not be angry or sad”, which sounded like “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”.
Addicts manipulate sometimes. They are driven to get their fix to survive and will do whatever it takes. Often they are adept at twisting situations to their own benefit wherever possible. So they lie, use anger, guilt, urgency, blame and self-pity. They need to keep the status quo so they can keep using or drinking.
This is the norm of someone in the death grip of addiction: denial, lying, and keeping secrets.
As a result, this behaviour causes mistrust. Is it any wonder that families of addicts have a problem with trust? Broken promises of the past tell us that trusting someone will backfire on us sooner or later.
The Three Tarnished Rules
The three tarnished rules of a dysfunctional family – don’t feel, don’t talk, don’t trust – mean that we struggle with relationships. We avoid getting close to others. We especially can’t trust others or even talk to them. So, to keep ourselves safe, we have shut down our feelings and can’t feel them. Our romantic relationships are often a disaster. We either cling to others like a limpet or are so closed off we can’t maintain a relationship. I cling and end up smothering the other person.
This is what happened in my first two marriages. Now in my new relationship, fifteen years later, I panic momentarily if I feel that my partner is pulling away. I often need to talk to myself and remind myself that she has been trustworthy in the past. After all, this is a normal relationship with a healthy person who has healthy boundaries.
In the past, I closed myself off from myself and the world for protection. No wonder I felt apart from the world. I was. Tiny Buddha says
“Humans are social creatures, and we need human connection to feel alive and complete. When we cut ourselves off from this life-giving force because we are suspicious and don’t trust others, we harm ourselves more than any act of untrustworthiness we could experience”.
I have learned that I need to trust myself. If I hear that little voice that says “Hang on. This doesn’t feel right,” I listen. Sometimes I get it wrong, but sometimes it helps me avoid getting into situations that I shouldn’t get into. For example, when I just knew it was time to leave my workplace and set up on my own. Sure enough, two months later the business I had left went under.
You can trust yourself. In your ability to handle whatever life throws at you. You have already handled the worst, and you are still here. If you have come through all the adversity that you did, you are already strong enough. If it helps, you can journal about your strengths. You can finally let go of the pain of the spell and not let it take up any more space. More about that here.
The past is the past. You have a future.
Trust the Future
One good way of trusting the future is to stay exactly where you are.
Don’t move house, change jobs, get a new partner. There is only one reason to do any of these things - if you are unsafe.
If you are in a good relationship, stay in it! You may feel bored and stale, but this could be the spell ‘helping’ you cope with increased intimacy.
You can allow yourself to make plans for the future.
We are going to do a visualisation exercise. I'm assuming your current life is safe.
Read this first so you know what to do, then close your eyes.
You are soon going to see yourself living the same life in this house, doing the same job, loving the same person for the next five years. What does that look like, sound like, smell like? How does it feel? Do you feel stale or bored? In contrast, do you feel comforted or excited? Or do you have mixed feelings?
Or, if you are in a complete panic, can you see yourself living the same life for one year? What does that feel like?
Now close your eyes and really live it.
When you are ready, open your eyes.
If you are panicking, tell yourself that it's ok and normal to panic. It's important to realise that it's just the spell making you uncomfortable and telling you lies. We need to break the original spell by using the counterspell that we create by staying put.
If you need help with this, please go and see someone for support; you can speak up. If you have trouble speaking up, read this post.
“People who are unwilling to trust in others (or the world, or themselves) have a challenging time planning for the future because they don’t trust that a) it will be good, or b) that it will exist. So counteract this mindset by allowing yourself to make plans for the future and build longer term commitments. Put down roots. It will serve your growing sense of trust well”.
Trust others
Ernest Hemingway once said “The best way to find out if you can trust anybody is to trust them.” This means that we can only trust others by practising trust.
I definitely don’t mean blindly trusting everyone with everything.
I mean watch them for a while first, asking yourself if they are worthy of your trust.
Do they do what they say they will?
Are they good at being diplomatic?
How do they handle others’ trust?
Then you can trust them with one thing as a test.
For example, you can try asking your partner to get you something specific from the grocery store like a brand and flavour of ice cream. If they don't have it in stock, tell your partner to text you and let you know.
To be clear, it's not about manipulating or testing your partner. In contrast, it's about laying out expectations and trusting that your partner will follow through.
If that works out ok, then you can trust them with more. Do this with others too. It’s ok to hold back at first, but it’s not ok to stay cut off.
So, if you do these simple exercises, you'll be well on the way to trusting yourself. And others.