Lost child

Invisible child

It’s no surprise that I wrote this blog last - the lost child is the one that is overlooked. This role is one that is the most elusive to pin down. You probably won’t be only the lost child, we often take many of the roles and use them. You can check out the other roles here.

No-one notices the lost child, they love to be alone. This is where they are comfortable and safe. No-one can hurt them if no-one is around. The weird (maybe not so weird) thing about this is that behind the wall that they created they suffer intense loneliness. It’s a paradox.

If the family is chaotic - and let’s face it, families with addiction at the centre are often chaotic, then the lost child will look within for validation. Self-validation as an adult is something for us all to master, but as a child it is easy for things to go a bit awry. Children need validation from others to learn what is ok and what is not. A lost child will not get that and could end up with all sorts of unhelpful theories of how the world works.

Their motivation can be pure and the saddest. They want the family to have one less child to worry about. By being invisible, they are ignored. Their wall of defences make them shadowy and elusive.

 It’s not all bad news, there are good things about being lost. They can work by themselves and are good listeners. They are good with their hands and are resourceful and creative. They read a lot. They are non-conformists as they already feel they are outside society, who cares what they think or how they act. They are invisible anyway.

During childhood and adolescence, they are timid followers. They avoid conflict and involvement. They are in their own room a lot reading or collecting things by themselves. They consider their own needs unimportant and withdraw whenever they can. Their mantra is “don’t make waves”. They let others get away with the most inappropriate behaviour. They are often taken advantage of as they feel inadequate. They most often say “I don’t care…it doesn’t matter”. They are lonely, hurt and angry, but can never show it. Their gift to the family is that they are a relief to the family, as they are rarely a problem.

Time to change

As an adult, the Lost Child feels boring. They are afraid to take risks and they fear pain. They can suffer from stress-related problems like anxiety attacks, colitis, allergies and asthma. They are quiet, aloof, isolated and passive, but can be shouting really loudly inside. They feel helpless and have trouble making decisions. They take whatever comes, often without direction in life. They take the path of least resistance. They have problems with intimacy and distrust people. Their loneliness may be intense. As I’m reading this back, I can see how I am still lost at times.

Does this sound familiar? Are you finally sick of being lost and alone? It’s comfortable, but often so lonely.

You have many many good qualities, even though you might not know it. You are a good listener and easy to get along with. You are sensitive and creative. You have a great imagination and often see things from a different point of view. You don’t conform, society means nothing to you and yet you want to fit in.

How to use these qualities for good

Firstly, I want to say to you, very loudly, (but not in a scary way) that it’s ok for you as a Lost Child to have needs. The first step for you is to admit that you have needs and you are lonely. Nothing is going to change unless you change it. You don’t need to be invisible any more, your family can see you and deal with it! You exist, you are important, you have the right to be seen and heard. You can have rewards and make mistakes. You can let others see your creativity and talent, as well as your amazing imagination.

It’s time to be seen and heard. I want you to imagine going up to someone right now and saying to them “I’m here. I exist. I have something to say.” They welcome you literally with open arms and say “What is it? I’m interested in you.” Then you tell them all about your latest artwork or the character you have created and they love it!

You are visible and your cracks are so beautiful

This sounds too simple, yet too hard to do in real life, but try it and let me know how it went. You will need to practice, all sorts of things will get in your way, but you can do it, I have faith in you.