The Mascot/Placater
How can I help you?
I went to a 50th birthday party last week. My ex-wife was there. The same ex who 'fell in love' with someone else and left me one devastating night.
Anyhoo that was ten years ago (get over it already).
When our eyes met I mouthed to her "you ok?" She smiled at me and nodded and I felt glad that she was ok.
Something felt off but I couldn't figure it out. It took me a couple of days to realise what it was. I was so surprised to see her that I went into default mode.
I still want to make everything ok. Take away the tension. You might think it's kinda lovely that I wanted to make sure she was alright, but it's a snapshot of our whole relationship.
Hi, I'm Vicki-ann, family role Mascot. You might know me as Placater.
Family Roles - Placaters and Mascots
One of the debilitating things about being a placater is that we always want to look after everyone. You would think this is a good thing right?
People need to be more caring. To show love - we all need more love.
However, the difference is that for a Mascot/Placater looking after people is based on fear, not love.
The internal (often unconscious) dialogue goes something like this "I need you close to me so I can monitor what's going on. You might hurt me if I don't look after you enough. Or worse, you might leave. Please let me look after you - I need to be safe."
The mantra is - peace at any cost.
Family Role Mascot Children
When we were children we learned that if we are cute and fun to be around we will be safe.
Other members of our family took on other roles but we learned to use humour to survive so that no-one can see the fear or insecurity that plagues us. Our biggest fear is of being boring or dumb, then everyone will go away.
Being alone is unthinkable. So we have adopted many ways of being to keep people interested:
We may be clumsy or accident prone
Mascots will do anything to attract attention, negative or positive
We may have learning disabilities
Others may call us immature as we have never really grown up
We can feel crazy at times
It's easy for us to be ‘super-cute’
We are always ‘busy’
Placaters have a short attention span and can be hyperactive - disruptive - confused
We have a great sense of humour and are always clowning around
This is to hide our deep feelings of fear, shame and confusion. We hide anxiety and insecurity but deep down we are very serious. Life is serious.
Our focus is on the fun fun fun.
Yet we have a strong sense of abandonment, which may be an accurate barometer of stress in the family.
As an adult, the Placater/Mascot may have eating problems. We are entertaining and appear cheerful and witty. We may partner with a Family Hero.
Mascots rock!
Family Role Mascots/Placaters are good friends to have due to their sense of obligation to others. We are fun and lively with a great sense of humour.
We know how to lighten the mood and ease tension. Mascots are interesting and stimulating, creative and good at blending with many different types of people.
Use your superpowers wisely.
You don't need to look after every single person you meet. However, you do need to look after yourself. It's ok to get your own needs met.
Physical touch is important to you, it's one way you connect
Information so we feel part of what's going on
For others to ask for your input and for them to take you seriously
Accepting responsibility instead of being looked after
Develop alternative behaviour instead of making jokes all the time
Learn to feel comfortable with feelings of sadness or grief
To laugh on the inside as well
Now what?
These aspects of Mascotness might seem too huge to even think about but we can figure them out together.
I'm not for one minute suggesting that you take one of these needs and practise it before moving on to the next one - that's way too grownup for a Family Mascot/Placater!
What I'm going to suggest is that you sit quietly, and think about those people in your life that have one of the characteristics of the list above.
Do you know anyone who you admire or like that doesn’t use cuteness to get out of trouble for example? Let's call him Ernesto. Ernesto knows when he has messed up and accepts that he makes mistakes and expects to sort out the mess.
He also makes people feel like they can rely on him, without being over bearing.
I want you to channel your inner Ernesto next time you make a mistake. Don’t just try to cute your way out. Say sorry and move on.
You don't have to do this alone
In Psychodrama, we call this role development - every single person has every single characteristic in them (or the beginning of it).
You might find that sometimes you act like a Mascot and sometimes like a Lost Child. Sometimes being the Mascot is the socially wrong thing to do so you need to be a Family Hero or Acting Out Child.
This is where role development comes in. You channel the person who is the role you want to be. The more you do it, the easier it gets.
Let me know how you get on in the comments - any questions or do you disagree or agree? I'd love to hear from you.