Breaking free from Co-dependence

Codependency is like a beast with five heads

In ACOA terms we call the addict the dependent and the people who are close to them, codependents. This sounds simple enough, right? Dependent and codependent. The addiction binds them together.

Each action causes a reaction, like a dance. Whenever the addict makes a mess, the codependent cleans it up. Then when the addict is sorry, the codependent forgives them. If the addict offends someone, then the codependent apologises for them. So the dance goes on.

Codependency is like a beast with five heads. The five heads are a way of looking at the behaviours that codependents have developed to make their lives liveable in the face of oppression and fear.

As simple as it sounds, however, a beast with five heads is never simple to tame. It soon becomes unmanageable and takes over your life. Next thing you know behaviours trap you and your ways of thinking are not healthy.

Also, you used to be way happier.

You might find that you choose one of the heads at any time to manage the unmanageable. Most people find one of the heads easier to use than the others.

Meet five people who are beginning their journey on the path of recovery. They will slay the heads of the codependence beast but will sustain injuries along the way. The injuries will be painful but ultimately healing.

Low Self-Esteem

Do you have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries as Jessica does? She is always there to help a friend out, she would give you the shirt off her back, even if you didn't want it. There is something a little off about Jessica though. And she knows it.

She came into my office one day and sat down with a sigh.

"I'm so tired."

"You look tired. What's happened?"

"I was up all night with my friend who left her husband. Again. She had nowhere to go, so she came to mine. Again. Her kids were crying too. I had to wake my kids up and rearrange the beds so her kids could sleep somewhere. Then when we just got everyone quietened down, my hubby came home. Drunk again. I knew he wasn't happy to see her because he made that quite clear. And I had to keep him quiet so he didn't wake up all the kids. But my friend needed me. And now I've upset my hubby too".

After listening to her pour out her heart, I gently showed Jessica the low self-esteem codependence behaviours. We went through them together. Soon lightbulbs went on as she recognised her own behaviours.

Jessica's way of managing her life is extreme and has been learned over many years. Her mother was an alcoholic and had neglected her terribly. As she grew up she did her best to make a family of her own so she could be happier.

Denial

Michael had a big, big problem. He'd fallen in love with a happily married woman. This wasn't the first time he'd fallen in love with someone that wasn't available. The last couple of times he'd fallen hard for someone had ended badly. This time Michael was showing all the signs of being in love again. He thought about her day and night. His concentration was terrible. He couldn't sleep or eat. Whenever he saw her, his tummy did a flip and his heart beat faster. She worked in a different department and had only been there for a few months as a junior. He had never spoken to her but he was sure that she felt the same way. Even though he had seen her eating lunch with her husband and they looked happy enough. He wanted to declare his love for her.

This was a tricky situation, people could be hurt and Michael could lose his job. Knowing what I know about Michael and his habit of falling for unavailable people, I decided that it was a good time to talk about the denial behaviours of codependence. Michael couldn't see what I was talking about and wasn't really interested in any of it. He wanted my permission to declare himself. When he didn't get it, he left.

Control

In contrast, Ashley had her life together. With a capital T. She knew what she was doing, was on all the committees, had all the answers. Her life was going great except for one thing. Ashley came to me because her daughter had 'gone off the rails' and she didn't know what else to try. Her daughter was ignoring all the advice and direction Ashley was giving her. Ashley had spent hours on the internet trying to figure out what to do next to get her daughter to behave.

"She used to be such a good girl and now she's ruining her life! She won't even listen to me any more. Her grades have slipped, she's not interested in sport and now she's taken up with a loser that I despise. I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything I can think of. Help me".

As I listened to Ashley, I reflected on her upbringing and her current life. Ashley had come from a home where her dad had a chronic gambling problem and she had often missed out because of a lack of money. She was one determined woman and wanted her daughter to have better than she did. She was afraid that her daughter would ruin her own life and all of Ashley's dreams.

We talked about controlling behaviours and how they are learned as a pattern. Often to make sense of something that cannot make sense. Then the tears flowed as Ashley saw the fuller picture.

Compliance

Sam was a quiet woman. She was here because her wife thought it would be good for her. Sam kept getting passed over at work for promotions. She found it too hard to make decisions, preferring to leave it to someone else. As a result, Sam often found herself in situations where she would agree with the group rather than speak her actual opinion. She did not like confrontation. At all. And did her best to keep everyone happy. Now her wife was pressuring her to do better at work. But she felt she wasn't strong enough to be a leader.

When we talked about the compliance behaviours of codependence that Sam had learned to keep herself safe, she could see immediately what was going on.

"Oh, so I compromise all the time just to stay safe? If people are mad at me they might leave me and I'll be alone. All those times I've let people walk all over me and stayed friends with them when I didn't really want to. God, I need to change something."

My heart leapt as I heard those words, Sam was on her way to cutting off one of the heads of the beast.

Avoidance

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Christopher was telling me the most awful story of abuse and neglect in a calm quiet voice, with no emotion! It was as though he was talking about someone else. I became angry on his behalf.

"Christopher, those are terrible things that happened to you."

"Well, worse things happen to others every day."

"But they happened to you. You were only a child. How do you feel about it now?"

He shrugged "No point getting upset about it - I'm stronger than that."

I was curious about that statement "When was the last time you cried?"

He looked at me thoughtfully "The day I was ten and my mother killed herself. I told myself I would be stronger than her. And I am."

He was sitting in front of me. His wife was about to leave him. She didn't truly believe he loved her because he never showed it. She had spent the last half hour pouring her heart out to us both and now was in the other room having a coffee.

"How do you feel about what Stephanie has been saying?"

He shrugged.

I said, "It's hard isn't it when others ask for something you can't give?"

He nodded.

I carried on, "Often when people have suffered trauma as you have, it's a natural reaction to shut off the feelings of pain because they are painful. Some people develop a way of being so they never have to feel pain again." We carried on talking about the avoidance behaviours of co-dependence and he had a hopeful look on his face. I called his wife back in and we talked about it together.

Christopher had a big fight on his hands to defeat the head of avoidance but with support, he would succeed.

How to stop being co-dependent

Now it's your turn. How to stop depends on which of the behaviour distortions do you use most often? Which of the people do you relate to most? All of them have had one thing in common - their upbringing as children of alcoholics. Sure they came from different families and their circumstances were different, but the end results are eerily similar.

Let us know in the comments which person you relate to most.