Recovery as an Adult Child of Alcoholics
There I was sitting in her office, the tears falling like rain.
The counsellor had just asked me about my childhood. I said ‘Mum was a big drinker’. Then I couldn’t stop crying.
I felt so relieved telling someone who understood what that meant.
The full impact.
That was the moment my recovery began. It all started with a simple question.
I had always wondered why I felt apart from everyone. Why it was so hard to connect with others. I would either be aloof or super clingy.
I had also always wondered why everything was so hard. Relationships were so hard. I was married and then divorced. Twice.
Why my grown-up kids were a mystery to me.
And why weren’t they happy?
I couldn’t understand it.
I knew in my heart of hearts that my story wasn't that bad. Others had it way worse than me. At least we had a roof over our heads.
I wasn't even sure how having an alcoholic mum had affected me.
Then I took the quiz.
First of all, are you even sure you are an Adult Child of Alcoholics? Yes, an addict or alcoholic brought you up, but it hasn't affected you that much, has it? Have you said to yourself "I don't need to recover from anything!"
Or do you feel like there is something not quite right about you? Like everyone else knows what to do and you have no clue?
Before you can start recovery as Adult Child of Alcoholics, you need to know what you are recovering from.
You are in charge of your own recovery
Mark Manson Author of “The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck” once said “With great responsibility comes great power”. This may be a hard concept to get your head around, but it’s liberating to know that you have the great responsibility and power to change your own life. Break the spell. You don’t need to stay captive to outdated measures any longer. You don’t have to hold on to those old constructs of yourself that don’t quite fit today’s world. You can take the power back and measure your values using the measures that work for you.
What is important to you?
Have you taken on other people’s values to keep the peace?
How do you know what your own values are?
When I was a child and forming my map of how the world worked, it didn’t take long for me to realise that if I made people laugh, I would be safe. Petrified of not fitting in, I did whatever I could to belong. I didn’t know what was going on most of the time (still don’t! But now I ask. Sometimes). I felt a strong sense of abandonment. I have a vivid memory of my five-year-old self wandering the playground singing ‘Nobody’s Child’. I also remember very clearly thinking to myself when I was 12 or so, “What do you need? Who do you want me to be? I can be anyone you want.” I’m sure you also have memories of events that formed your map or world view.
How does your world work best? Is it best if you look out for number one? Is it best if you look out for each other? Is it best if you are in control? Is it best if others are in control? As you build up a picture of your world, you can ask yourself these questions:
What is important to me?
How do I measure its importance?
Is it important that I earn a certain amount of money?
Do I need to have a certain number of friends?
Do I need to live in a certain place?
Alone or with others?
Who should do the housework?
What about children?
Or child rearing?
Do I need pets?
There are so many hidden judgements and values in everything we do. It’s only when we uncover them that we can understand our reactions. We were using the only tools we had at our disposal. But times have changed and we need to update our values. Click here for more.
Recovering your rights
We all know about LGBTQI rights and 'Black Lives Matter' and the 'Me Too' movement.
Without a doubt, there is a growing awareness about people's rights and I'm all for it.
After all, people do have rights.
Even you
You may not realise that you have rights.
You might not have had many growing up or they were trampled on in the race to keep the addict stable.
In reality, you do have many rights, you had them as a child and you have them today.
You have the right to privacy
To change your mind or cancel commitments
And to ask for help
Or to be left alone
You have the right to conserve your energy
Or not to answer a question, the phone, or an email
You can start to claim your rights today, as part of your recovery. To counter the no-rights spell, just pick one and say it out loud to yourself in the mirror.
If doubts come into your mind, say them out loud and reply to yourself.
Something like "I have the right to ask for help"
"But I should be able to do everything on my own"
"I can do lots of things on my own, but I have the right to ask for help"
"But others will think I'm weak"
"Sometimes I am weak, and I have the right to ask for help"
(Add your own objections here)
(Add the counter and restate your right here)
You might end up sounding a bit crazy, but hey, the most interesting people are a bit crazy.
Then you will have the courage to say it out loud to others.
Sound too simple? It is simple but the hardest thing in the world. Have a look at this blog to learn more.
Recovering your boundaries
Something else you may not realise, that is necessary for your recovery as Adult Child of Alcoholics is that you have the right to set your own limits.
It's ok to say "no" or "maybe later" or "I don't want to do that".
'Boundary setting' are two scary words for Adult Child of Alcoholics because we think that saying no might push people away from us and we are hypersensitive about abandonment and loss.
Weirdly though, by setting limits, people feel more secure with us and will probably stick around because we are safe!
Boundaries are about keeping ourselves safe, not limiting others.
Nobody wants to be friends with a pushover. They want to use them not befriend them.
So how do we set limits? What does that even mean? What is so important about them? Why do we need them?
Boundaries are for our care and protection, they are there to keep us safe. For example, think about walls and fences, or skin. If we had no skin… ewww
There are five areas in which we can build healthy boundaries. Some of them are obvious and some are more subtle.
Your recovery as an Adult Child of Alcoholics depends on building yourself strong boundaries. Learn how to set boundaries with the 7 little words
