Welcome to words from my heart to yours
How can I trust you?
I learned early on that I cannot trust anyone.
Not even myself. Especially not myself.
The ‘don’t trust’ rule is a catchall rule that also includes other unspoken rules.
“Don’t make friends outside the family”.
“Nothing is wrong, everything is fine”.
“Do as I say, not as I do”.
Dysfunctional Family Rules
We have three things in play in a dysfunctional family, a tripod of stability. Firstly, we have the basic layer of the drama triangle. Secondly, we have entrenched roles. And finally, we have the dysfunctional family rules to keep us in line.
If we try to change roles or stop playing the drama game there will be pushback as the whole system becomes unstable.
Of course, rules are what keeps any society going. We need rules. Even in a family, there are rules.
Codependency Compliance Patterns
Sam was continually being passed over for promotions because she was too nice. Sam hated confrontation, would do anything to avoid making people unhappy with her. She would find herself agreeing with things she didn't really agree with to keep the peace. Her wife was pressuring her to do better at work. But she felt she wasn't strong enough to be a leader.
Codependency Avoidance Patterns
Christopher’s terrible story of abuse and neglect had a lasting impact on him. His way of coping with it was to shut down.
As a result, it had now become a problem in his marriage and his wife was about to leave him. She didn't believe that he loved her because he couldn't show it.
Do you know his reply when I asked him when he had cried last?
Codependency Controlling Patterns
Ashley had her life sorted. She lived by lists and had a very strict code of ethics. She made sure everything that needed to be done, got done. In other words, it was her way or the highway.
Codependency Denial Patterns
Michael had a big, big problem? He was overcome with love for someone that wasn’t available. He wouldn't accept that she was happily married.
Low self-esteem
Jessica had to look after her friend and put her first. Always. Even when it was inconvenient. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to look after your friends. It’s also good for your kids to see you looking after your friends, how else are they going to learn what a good friend is?
Protect Yourself with Personal Boundaries
Boundaries are for our care and protection, they are there to keep us safe. That’s pretty obvious if you think about walls and fences, or skin. If we had no skin… There are five main areas in which we can build healthy boundaries or rules or limits.