Fourth Quest - Rewriting the Rules
Rules are what keeps any society going. We need rules. Even in a family there are rules. In a family with addiction the rules become less about life and more about survival. This quest has two tasks, even though there are three rules, ‘don’t trust’ and ‘don’t speak’ are so entwined we cannot separate them. I won’t lie to you, they are hard. The spell has made us unfeeling, untrusting and silent. But you are not alone. I am here to help you through it. We can do it together. We can cast a counterspell of feeling, trusting and speaking.
In the next tasks we are going to uncover the hidden rules that were established in your family. We are then going to examine these rules that continue to bind the spell around you ever tighter. It’s not enough to know what they are. We are going to grieve for the life you might have had, and then let that resentment and grief go.
Rewrite the Rules
We are going to uncover the hidden rules that were established in your family. We are then going to examine these rules that continue to bind the spell around you ever tighter. It’s not enough to know what they are. We are going to grieve for the life you might have had, and then let that resentment and grief go.
In any group, there are unspoken rules or norms. A new workplace is a minefield of unspoken rules. Social etiquette exists to ensure the smooth running of any group. It is human nature to reward certain behaviours that we call ‘politeness’ and ‘manners’. We like people who follow the rules. It makes us feel safe. Go to a different country and you have to learn a whole new set of societal rules. Even if you simply attend a gathering of a different ethnicity, you will see many things that are strange to you, but normal to them. Ask any immigrant about what the hardest thing is about moving to a new country, and they will say fitting in. We need rules to function as a society. We know instinctively what the rules are, as we have grown up with them. We don’t need to think about how to queue in a shop, or who goes first in an elevator. We know how to make small talk at the checkout, and what is OK to talk about. Our unspoken rules become obvious only when others break them. Or when we break them.
A family is a micro-society that has its own unspoken rules. ‘This is Dad’s chair, you’d better not sit in it.’ ‘If you feel sad, you can talk to Mum.’ ‘Someone will always tuck you in at night.’ ‘You will stay in school.’ ‘You will stay home to help Mum with the little kids because she can’t do it alone.’ ‘You will not break laws.’ ‘If you finish your dinner you can have some dessert.’ ‘If there is no dinner, find something to eat.’ ‘When Dad is late, Mum gets upset so you go to bed early.’ ‘If Mum has been drinking, anything can happen.’ ‘First up, best dressed.’ These rules ensure the smooth running of a family unit. You don’t have to think about them, they just happen. I’m sure you can come up with a few examples of your own in your family of origin and the family that you have created. In a family with addiction, the rules are more about survival at a different level.
Don’t Speak
One of our family rules, and one that is common to all families with addiction, is ‘Don’t speak’. This course is hard for me to write. I’m immediately caught up in the rules. I’m going against 50+ years of training. ‘Don’t speak about how Mum was so drunk she couldn’t cook dinner.’ ‘How I didn’t have any clean clothes because no-one did the washing.’ ‘How no-one wanted to sit next to me at school because I smelled.’ ‘How I had to leave town in a hurry because Mum was in danger.’ ‘How scared I was hiding under the seats of the train at night so his friends wouldn’t see us.’ My family and I have never talked about it. Now as I’m writing this, I can remember many other times when dramatic events happened. And still, we have never ever talked about them. The biggest thing that my three siblings and I did not talk about, was the fact that Mum had a drinking problem.
Don’t Trust
Another family rule common to our family and all families with addiction is ‘Don’t trust anyone’. A child from a family of addicts learns early on that they can only count on themselves. This is true of me too. I learned at quite a young age that no-one was going to help me. The only person who can keep me safe is myself. ‘Keep watch.’ ‘Be on guard; you never know when a fight is going to break out.’ ‘Don’t worry about making friends, because you’re not going to be here long.’ I went to six schools before I was eight. I couldn’t trust adults to keep me safe. At ten, I was a dirty little creature who once told a priest that “I am the only one in the family who hasn’t been drunk”. When reflecting on that little girl, I want to hug her so tight. And the result of this mistrust? Intense, deep loneliness that permeates every aspect of my being. Separation. A burden too heavy for a child. A burden too heavy for an adult.
Don’t Feel
The final big family rule that is the third in the trio of ties that bind the spell to you, is ‘Don’t feel’. This is the rule that we are going to counter today. Children do whatever they can to bring stability and consistency into their lives. If this means shutting off feelings to get through the day, that’s what they do. Because they can’t talk with or trust anyone, they must rely on their feelings alone. It doesn’t take long to become overwhelmed and shut down. It is normal to feel many feelings in the course of a day or even an hour! When big events happen to a child, it would be normal for them to have feelings like fear and sorrow. You would expect them to feel angry, embarrassed, or guilty. The child of a home with addiction learns to feel nothing at all. I became really good at suppressing my emotions and ignoring everything I didn’t want to see. I opted out. Books became my friends. I remember sitting in a classroom as a child, reading. A group of children gathered in front of me watching me. They would laugh whenever I twitched my nose. I was aware of them, but I didn’t care. As a child, I spent many hours on the porch or in a tree reading about all my friends, Alice, Katie, Tarzan, Pooh, Anne, and Jo March. Words kept me safe. As an adult, I started calling myself Cleopatra; Queen of Denial. The problem with suppressing feelings is that sooner or later they leak out. And you can’t control the leakage.